Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” Holmes said

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small
and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
“Watson, you idiot, Someone has stolen our tent!”

written by Chris

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

written by Sharon

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of Tequila arguing
about how tough they are. The first mouse says, “I’m so tough I break
into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison.”

He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.

The second mouse replies, “That’s nothing. I’m so tough, I run through a
mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & bench-press the killer
springed tripwire.” He slams down his tequila and looks at the third
mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins
walking away from the bar. The other mice scream, “Oi! Softy!

Where do you think you’re going?! The third mouse replies, “Home to shag
the cat.”

written by Sharon

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are drinking in a bar one Night
having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer and throws his glass
in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
“In seth Efrica our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink
From the same glass twice” he says.

The Kiwi , obviously impressed by this , drink his beer, throws his
glass into the air , pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
“Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make glasses we don’t
need to drink out of the same glass twice either” he says.

The Australian , cool as a koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South
African & the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says: In strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don’t need to drink with
The same ones twice.

written by Sharon

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with
no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over
for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I
have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me? Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

“Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

written by Sharon

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman “Can I have a
pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie”

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a
ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint
of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers
in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says
“A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman”

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and
toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches
have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is
making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, “A Pint of Beer and a Ham and
Cheese Toastie, please barman”, smiling and accepting the tributes of
the masses.

The barman says, “I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we
are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties”

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a
whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, “We do
have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie”

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, “Are you sure I will
like it”? The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, “Do you think that I
would let down one of my best friends, I know you’ll love it”

“Ok” says the rabbit,” I’ll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and
Onion Toastie”

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and
guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman
(who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small
white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, “Who are you”

To which he is answered,”I am the ghost of the rabbit that used
to frequent your public house”

The barman says,”I remember you, you made me famous, you would
come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous”

The rabbit says, “Yes I know”

The barman said, “I remember, on your last night we didn’t have
any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead”

The rabbit said “Yes, you promised me that I would love it”

The barman said “You never came back, after that fateful night,
what happened”

“I DIED”, said the Rabbit.

“Blimey ” said the barman,”what from”.

After a short pause.

(keep scrolling)

………………or possibly a long pause

The rabbit said… “Mixing me toasties “

written by Chris

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two sheep. You sell one and buy a ram. Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)
You have two sheep. You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep. You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. You go on strike because you want three sheep.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep and produce 20 times the wool. You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and shear themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. Both die from foot and mouth.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. You count them and learn you have five sheep. You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep. You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep. You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. You have 300 people shearing them. You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. That one on the left is kinda cute…

written by Chris